You Can Never Really Leave

Conrad Rice wrote:The train had not yet arrived at the station. The thin fog of the morning was only just beginning to fade. Juliana hoped that it would not leave before she had. To board the train under a blue sky would seem too naked and affronting. Better to be in the shroud, hidden. It is very hard to hide in a thin fog, as it is, well, thin.

There was the try "a" instead of "the" sound of footsteps through the fog. They sounded rather no rather. It is not needed and just makes the sentence less important urgent. But Juliana paid them no mind. She clenched her handbag and took a deep breath. Why, oh why would the train not arrive? It couldn’t be late, it just couldn’t.

The footsteps came closer, too close now delete the "now" for Juliana to ignore them completely delete "completely". She turned and looked. Almost instantly she looked away, hoping that her face had remained unseen. But that could not be this phrase is stale to me. How about: "But that was impossible." or something along those lines. If two people who know each other are alone upon a train platform together If it was two people, and just them, on the platform, we know that they are together, it is inevitable that both of them much easier to say "they" instead of "both of them" will recognize each other. Such was the case here.

“Juliana?” asked the young man who had approached her. She winced. Of course it was him. It could be no one else in the world.

“Avery, why are you here?” Juliana asked, closing her eyes and wishing very much for the train to arrive.

“I came to say goodbye.” Avery sounded somewhat dejected now that Juliana had asked her question. “And I came to get your new address, so we may have a correspondence.”

Juliana took a deep breath. “I do not wish to have a correspondence with you. I wish to leave.”

“What do you mean? What... what have I done?”

Oh why, oh why you said this expression earlier. Delete the second "oh why" would the train not come? “You’ve done nothing, Avery. I... I just have to leave.”

“But why not write? We have been friends. If I have done anything to offend you, I implore I am getting the feeling that this setting is in the past (early 1900s?), but even so, someone saying "implore"...? you to tell me.”

“You’ve done nothing wrong.” Juliana swallowed down a prefereably "the" instead of "a" lump in her throat. “You... you have been a good friend and I have enjoyed knowing you. But I must leave this place. I... I must leave it and forsake it completely. I cannot write you.”

“But why?” Avery asked. “I implore different word and same as above you to tell me. Do not think you would break my heart if you told me. To withhold the reason would be the greater sin.”

Oh curse the train. Curse its lateness. “I simply must. It is something I must do.”

“But why? I do not understand.”

Juliana turned to Avery. She did not mark the look of confusion on his face. Her emotions had caught her up. “If you truly thought yourself my friend. You would allow me to depart as I wish. You would not bother me with all this, but you would let me leave.”

A hurt look spread over Avery’s face. Mixed in with that look instead of saying "with that look", how about "it"?was one of creeping realization. Juliana saw that. She opened her mouth to pull back her words. But Avery spoke first.

“If you thought yourself my friend, you would give an explanation.” He did not implore DIFFERENT WORD! "implore" has been used to much! with his words. Their tone had changed. Now they were firm, as though a fact had become apparent to him.

Juliana wanted to say something. But Avery turned and walked away. She was rooted to the spot, transfixed on him, could do nothing but watch him go. He held his head high and put his hands in his pockets. But no "but"he seemed a bit rigid as he faded away into the fog.

More footsteps sounded. Juliana turned towards them. It was the ticket vendor. He rushed up, holding a piece of paper in his hand.

“Madam,” he said as he came to a stop before her, “The nine o’clock train was unable to leave the station. A tree fell over the tracks. It will not be cleared until tomorrow. I just got if they live in the past, how about "just recieved"? "just got" is sort of clunky the wire.”

Juliana dropped her handbag, buried her face in her hands, and cried bitterly.

Hi Connie! Here for a review. (#600!)

Not really going to pick at this. Just ramble on the story itself.

I find you're missing an opportunity with the fog, here. It lent a bit of mystery to the beginning that I liked, that Juliana had to leave before the fog lifted for her footsteps/actions to be shrouded. You don't really bring it back in, not enough to notice, and it would be a nice touch throughout the rest of the work. The fog starts lifting, Juliana wants the train to come more, and the fog takes on a life of its own in the story. It becomes an allusion to people who get lost in the fog and never return.

This whole work reminded me a bit of "Not in Nottingham" from Disney's Robin Hood. The song talks about how if only you could leave you would, and how some situations make it so you can't leave no mater how much you want to. The lyrics themselves pretty ambiguous, but the setting is a prison. Maybe try something like that here? Give us just a bit more context, a bad memory, a grown bitter taste about the town, the next phase of her life beginning, and readers will be able to fill in their own emotions. The style here, almost omniscient, lends itself well to readers being able to fill in the blanks. Even if they haven't gone through that exact event, they'll understand the feelings more and might be able to connect with this work better. As I told you last night I found you were leaving too much room for the reader to fill in their own emotions. Fill in some of the context and this would hit hard.

The vocabulary didn't bother me much; I just chalked it up to your style of writing. I will agree that "implore" is a bit much. We can guess at the meaning, but it's not exactly an everyday word in my opinion. Also, after looking up the definition, I noticed my guess was wrong (I had guessed implore meant "explain" when it means "beg"). In cases like that, then it's best to use the simpler word for an action; readers get the story a bit more.

Not sure how much I like your last line. "And cried bitterly" seems to break up flow just a bit, especially with so little time dedicated to the change in Juliana's emotion. Is she crying about the train? Hurting Avery? Both? It would be nice if that thread was woven in a bit more. Not too much, since then we wouldn't be left wondering, but I was left wondering so much I didn't really remember the last few paragraphs of the story. Those last few paragraphs, I think, weaken the story. past lack of context this would be the second-biggest issue. Maybe the biggest. I'd be forgiving of a lack of context if something stuck to me about the story once I'd finished reading. But nothing stuck to me here. Without something to think about I almost passed over this. But because I've had a lot of people leave my life, it struck me that way.

Also, the tears make me somewhat confused. If she was feeling upset about having to leave, which she seems to be, then her dialogue would have been different before. She'd have been trying to choke back tears as soon as a good memory from her life came back. She wouldn't have just cried after hurting him; that might have pushed her over the edge, but there would have been signs of tears before. And the fact she hurts her friend and can't leave makes the ending a bit muddled. Is she crying because she lost her friend and might stay? Is she crying just because of her friend? Is she crying because she has to stay? I can't walk away from this story satisfied without having more of a direction as to why she's crying. Do know I can walk away from a story satisfied and still have questions. But the fact these questions were brought in so quickly, with no proper time spent to them, that I just walk away wondering.

Not sure if I like this story or not. I like the majority, despite how ambiguous it was, then you seem to lose the threads of the story by brining in the train not leaving. It's so tacked on at the end I can't wrap my head around that.

Drop me a line if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Hi Conrad, Jp here.

Nice story. It did however, feel a little incomplete but something still rung through an struck a chord with me. A certain recognition; the allegory/metaphor was clear and effective.

One issue I did have was with the dialogue, it seemed a little formal and stiff. I know they say avoid 'real talk' in fiction writing but you seem to have slipped to the other end of the scale. Don't have Avery say 'I implore...' more than once. But, if you simply must have him sound like a prat leave it in but take out the

He did not implore with his words

I'm here, finally ^^

I'm going to casually ignore all these wonderful reviews, so please excuse any repetition.

Now, this was a really nice piece, obviously in progress. And I definitely enjoyed it quite a bit.

There are only two problems my untrained prose eye caught, those are tone and information given.

Tone:
You give a very formal, slightly old fashion tone in your dialogue between the two characters, but everything else is a little too ignored to give us a good feel of the time period. I'm thinking the beginning of the steam train time. No more modern then that. I highly encourage that you clear that up for it gives the reader a nice handhold on the story.

As for the information, think about it. What have we learned in this piece?
Nothing.
At the beginning we know a character is awaiting a train that is late. At the end, she is still waiting the train.
Besides angering her friend, nothing happens whatsoever. If you are going to create such a simple scene, you probably want to create some sort of underlying message in there dialogue. A sort of read between the lines. Using things that imply other things, if you catch my train of thought here. It's a little more difficult to do, because you obviously want to keep Juliana's motives secret. But give the reader a little itty bitty taste of it. Otherwise they are left unsatisfied. Creating suspense is giving a little then taking it away to make the reader crave another taste.

^^ Goodluck. I'm interested to see how this develops.

Kamas

Hey, Conrad.

This was a really interesting piece. As I was reading it, I kept agreeing with Juliana's thoughts. I like how even though it's short, you've created a full, well developed character. It's awesome how you've taken the focus off why she's leaving and where she's going and made just the present moment so important.

Something I think you should add, though, is a little indication of the time period. The dialogue feels really old fashioned, but other than that, it seems like it's in modern times. Maybe see if you can make it match? The reason the dialogue seems like it's from such a long time ago is because there isn't any slang or contractions. Today people don't talk like that.

I like the twist ending. To finish it off in a way that really clicks, so to speak, maybe consider adding one more sentence-- a way to make the theme really hit home.

Thanks for posting.

I can't promise to be as constructive as my lovely predecessors up there, but I can promise to do what I can.

I would love a little more backstory. What's happened between Avery and

Why hello there Mister Rice, it is ever so nice to see you. *bows*
Shall we begin with the review?

Juliana hoped that it would not leave before she had.

There was the sound of footsteps through the fog. They sounded rather urgent.

Quite nice, and I think relatable as well. Seeing someone you know, not wanting to see said someone, and not knowing how to - or even wanting to - articulate answers are all things that I think the general reader can understand.

I would suggest working out the setting, both physical location and time period.

In terms of time period, I was a bit thrown off by the formal-sounding dialogue. It seemed like it would have been set many years - (I was envisioning Jane Austen time) - but not much seemed to support this idea.
So if your goal is to have a current time setting, then I'd suggest lightening up the dialogue. Just focus on how you talk to people usually, and put it down on paper. If your goal was to have an older time setting, then give us some other clues: describe the clothing, the station, the social expectations, etc.

In terms of physical location, I'd love to be able to envision the train station she's in. Are there benches she's sitting on? Does Avery come from a ticket booth across the station? Can she see the tracks from where she's waiting? You get the idea.

So there's my suggestions. It's a good story! I'm sure you can envision this all perfectly, so just re-read the story from the perspective of someone who knows only what is on the page, and I'm sure it will be even better!

Hi Connie!

I like this idea but it seems a little unfinished. It reminds me of all the times I've just completely left a place, but there was still always a reason for that. I mean, if there's no reason to leave, then you're probably somewhat content. She may have a reason to leave that we don't know, but right now it seems a bit like she doesn't even know it.

I like that you've got her meeting up with an old friend (usually that ends up happening whether you want it to or not.) I like him in that he cares about her enough so that even though he's not trying to make her stay, he at least is human enough to want a reason why she won't talk to him anymore.

And I really like the ending. Blast those trees! I think that those trees happen for a reason. And I think Juliana does too.

Anyway, a few things I'd like to point out that were odd to me:

* This whole thing seems a bit choppy. You don't have many compound sentences; sort of reminds me of Hemmingway, a little bit, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I like Hemmingway. But I digress. I'd suggest looking through, finding related sentences that aren't stuck together, and stick them together just to give it a sort of balance and better flow. Do that...and it'll be beautiful.

* You use ellipses and repeated words a lot in the dialogue; a few examples, and what I'd suggest doing about it:

“What do you mean? What... what have I done?”
You can portray his confusion without the ellipses, and the reader will probably realize that he's stammering a bit just by the fact that's he's like, "Mergh?" Try "'What do you mean?' he asked, looking quite abashed. 'What have I done?'"

“You’ve done nothing, Avery. I... I just have to leave.”
So, for this one, try using a different phrase that means she's struggling to find words and the ellipses. Because it's not so bad to use them. Suggestion: "'You've done nothing, Avery. It's just that...I just have to leave.'"

Juliana hoped that it would not leave before she did.

Oh, curse the train. Curse its lateness. Without exclamation marks, this sounds a bit sarcastic, actually, like on Monty Python when they say, "And there was much rejoicing. Yaaay..."

Their tone had changed. Now they were firm, as though a fact had become apparent to him. But they were already firm. Make them seem less firm before, and more firm from now on.